Apologies, Acceptances, and Allowances

"Life's beauty is inseparable from its fragility." - Susan David PhD

I recently lost my grandmother and hadn't prepared myself for the emotions and inner conflicts that came with the news. I thought there was only one way to

grieve: sadness or numbness, shock or relief; is celebration even allowed?

When my cousin told me that my grandma had passed away, I was shocked but at the same time relieved (no more suffering for her). I was sad but numb - it's as if the news was so remote that it could have been the local news cover of someone else's grandma. And with the presence of opposing emotions (using 'care' as the benchmark), I felt guilty that I didn't care enough because in my conditioned mind: I should be howling and full of tears - in other words, utter sadness. I wrote a prose in memory of her - a way to give a loving tribute to a life well lived. Not long after writing it, I was reminded of some unpleasant encounters with her. These memories felt like they stained the prose. Because in my mind: "How could she, after what she'd done and said that one time!".

It turned out that I couldn't accept that grief can come in many forms, feelings, and moments. I'd only pictured and given myself permission for one side of grief. But in reality, emotions aren't linear, and it's the acknowledgement and balancing act of emotion management and regulation that makes us human. I had to learn to accept the opposing feelings and give each of them their own space. Literally, like having to give your spouse and yourself space when you've just had a big fight. It wasn't easy - because I tended to stamp down on the weaker emotions and give way to the stronger ones. In short, I was passing judgement on myself; after all these feelings are a part of me. For someone who committed to living authentically, it sure wasn't easy to accept the different facets that made up me. I believe that our authentic selves are a splash and mix of avant-garde art that can't be fully explained or pictured; the whole painting has to be as it should be but still beautiful. So why was I so hard on the emotions that just showed up within?

Then as I unpeeled my thought process, I realised I'd always practised emotional rigidity: pushing the feelings away or down - they don't belong in me and shouldn't be entertained. I should be grateful, I should see the silver lining, and other forms of 'I should' go on. But as Susan David explained in her Ted Talk, life throws you curveballs, and there's no one way to respond. How you choose to respond is how you can flex your emotional muscles and live out your values authentically.

Do you also find it hard to express or give space to your emotions?

Life happens, and it happens differently to everyone. It's ok if you have been hard on yourself, and it's also ok if you've just let the emotions stew for some time. In short, there's no perfect way.

The first thing is - we need to apologise to ourselves for not giving us the space and the right to practice identifying and working through our emotions.

Secondly, we must accept that they are real and present within us. No amount of shoving will be able to close an overflowing drawer, and accepting is a vital step towards freeing us from building that wall around us.

Finally, we need to allow ourselves to be - to feel those emotions, even if they are fleeting. Acknowledging and giving them space also acknowledges our reality.

These 3 A's are good reminders and pointers to live your life authentically. They are not the final pointers; there are other ways to start living more you. These 3 A's do not have to happen in this sequence either. You can begin with allow, move to apology, and then accept. Just go with the flow.

With that, I want to end this post by apologising to you and to anybody with who I have not shown grace or empathy by not accepting their reality and not allowing them to be. I am sorry I made you feel invisible because of this default. I am also on a journey to being more open, allowing myself to feel and accept them as my own emotions and taking responsibility for them. And I hope this will strengthen my authenticity.